


You Are What You Eat

by TaoAndThen



Category: 2P Hetalia - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Psychopaths In Love, Reader-Insert, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-08
Updated: 2014-04-08
Packaged: 2018-01-18 16:21:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1434907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaoAndThen/pseuds/TaoAndThen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Allen and Mathieu go at it again and despite winning the fight your husband is still pissed off courtesy of an argument centered around you.  Much to his surprise you took his brother's side.  Much to his pleasant surprise he completely agreed after you made a very valid point.</p><p>2P!America/AllenxPsychopath!Wife!Reader<br/>Rated for language and mild sexual content.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Are What You Eat

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a silly stupid little bit of banter my ex had with an old friend back in high school. Enjoy!

Whenever Allen came home you already had your at home first aid kit ready and waiting. Last time it was a sprained wrist. Before that it was a black eye and a huge laceration on his back which, if not for a few stitches courtesy of your careful and nimble fingers, surely would have become infected. By now you highly doubted there was any new injury he would come home with.

An evening ‘out with the guys’ always started the same and ended the same- some killing here, some kidnapping there, a few poisoned cupcakes, and finally a vicious argument with his brother which ended in a fist fight. You waited patiently in the kitchen for his return, hoping the veggie burgers you were making might help ease his temper just a smidge. Considering that the adage about insanity is doing the same thing again and again but expecting a different result fit your habit perfectly, seeing as you were a bona fide psychopath.

The front door slammed open and was closed with such force the hinge he damaged during his last temper tantrum came undone again. Rolling your eyes as he trudged inside, dragging his bloody baseball bat along the carpet you yelled from the kitchen, “Break those hinges again and I’m getting the piano wire! And clean up that fricken’ blood for once, would ya?”

“You’re the one who wanted white carpeting!” he snapped as he flopped down on the couch, carelessly tossing the bat aside and mumbling every cuss under the sun. He had you there.

“Shut up, jackass.” Veggie burgers in one hand and the first aid kit in the other you went into the living and shoved him over so you could sit next him. You set the plate aside and ordered him to take his jacket and shirt off so you could assess the damage. He was covered in bruises and lacerations as per usual but the injuries were limited to just that, meaning he won the fight. You couldn’t help but grin proudly.

“What the fuck are you smiling about?” he growled as you applied the rubbing alcohol to his multitude of cuts, making him cringe.

“Don’t be a crybaby, it’s just a little sting…I’m smiling because this is nothing compared to last week. You kicked his ass. It’s times like this I’m reminded of why I married you.”

“You’re crazy woman, you know that?”

“You’re the one who said yes,” you replied pointedly.

“You had me nailed to a wall like I was on a damn crucifix with a chainsaw to my stomach!” he retorted. Your smile widened. “Yeah…Good times. Best boyfriend ever.” You kissed his cheek, licking away some of the blood before applying the rubbing alcohol to it.

“Vampire,” he teased. “Maybe that’s because you, oh, I dunno, killed all your exes when they refused to marry you.”

“They deserved it,” you said with a casual shrug. “If they were willingly going to pass up the greatest thing life had to offer them, me, why prolong their misery? It was a mercy kill. If they thought they could live without me than I was more than happy to grant their death wish.”

“Yeah, you’re a real saint ______ (f/n).”

“I know,” you smiled again and then frowned at him as he put his clothes back on and lay down. Something was off about him. Setting the first-aid kit aside you rested the plate on his chest and dropped your arms in your lap. “Why so gloomy? You won. Shouldn’t we be having victory sex?”

“Yeah. But that dickweed said something about you that really pissed me off…I almost bashed his skull in.”

“Aw, you’re so sweet.” You ruffled his hair, careful to avoid his hypersensitive curl. “What did he say?”

“He said ever since I got married I’m a total pussy and it’s your fault.”

You tapped your chin thoughtfully. “Well, he does have a point,” you replied with a slow nod. He shot you a dangerous glare and leaned up using his elbows for support. “The hell did you just say, woman?”

“I said he has a point. See, you’re a vegetarian,” you began, poking his stomach. “But you do make one exception when it comes to your dietary restrictions, that being pink meat. And if that saying ‘you are what you eat’ is true then you’re definitely, completely, totally, and without question the biggest pussy ever.”

He stared at you blankly for a moment. Five years together and there were still moments when your weird comments took him by surprise. With a broad grin he replied, “Yeah, I guess that makes sense. It’s times like this I’m reminded of why I married you.”

“You’re such a sweetheart. Now eat your damn food before it gets cold.” You smacked him on the back of the head.

His hand darted under your skirt and slowly moved up your leg to your inner thigh. “Guess I better do something about that,” he said licking his lips.

“I was talking about the veggie burgers, dumbass.”

“I know. Don’t care.”

“So…victory sex then?” you asked hopefully.

He rolled his eyes. “No, we’re gonna have a tea party. Yes victory sex, dipshit.”

“Don’t get snarky with me, fucking brat!” you yelled and tugged at the curl.

For the first time in his life Allen took no issue with Mathieu being right and for the next two hours he proceeded to prove it.


End file.
